Breaking Out in Blessedness

Peace is a rare thing in our world. Russia and Georgia have been in the throes of armed conflict. Some wonder if this singals the return of the Soviet Union and the Cold War. Conflict in the Middle East continues. The surge in Iraq may be working, but it remains a nation in need of being rebuilt. The United States has been at war with terror since 9/11. There are other breaches of peace not as high profile. In Uganda young children are conscripted into the Lord’s Resistance Army. Their name sounds holy – their practices are not. We pay a little more attention to Sudan now. In Sudan’s Darfur region over 50,000 people are displaced because of conflict - - even aid workers are in harm’s way. Making peace is so difficult in a world devoted to violence. The world is at war even in places away from the news camera and places that do not seem to be in the interest of the U.S. government. Precious souls are being lost forever because there is no peace.

We may not feel threatened by violence, but the power of poverty can be overwhelming. Even if you have a job you can feel powerless. Katrina Gill has a job. She is a nursing aide in a care center and she works long hours monitoring vitals, turning patients to avoid bedsores, and changing adult diapers. But she and her husband, a mechanic, have no health benefits. They pay $640 a month for a family policy. They have racked up $160,000 in debt – medical expenses – because their son Brandyn has cancer.

Katrina is just one example of what it means to be meek and powerless in our age. Many of us labor in a setting of maximum insecurity, where one missed bus, one stalled engine, one sick kid means the difference between keeping a job and getting fired. At any moment, a company pressured to pump profits can slash hours, or layoff workers, or even cut loose jobs. This isn’t a labor vs. management issue. It’s a human issue. Managers and owners are caught up in the faceless and non-personal economic and political forces that make us feel powerless.

Have you ever felt powerless? Have you at least sensed that something about our culture and society just isn’t right? It isn’t right for a credit card company to stick a person who can’t pay bills with a 30% interest rate. If a thug in an alley does that it’s called loan-sharking. If Chase or Citibank does it it’s called “a change in agreement.” Something isn’t right. Joe Francis is the millionaire producer of the Girls Gone Wild soft-porn video series. He claims it is just innocent entertainment. He claims it is protected by the First Amendment.

How can Francis be protected by our laws when violence against women is a serious problem in our society? Have you ever felt that something just isn’t right? Have you ever felt the pangs for righteousness in your gut? You know it if you feel parched waiting for the waters of justice to roll down like a mighty river against the stifling heat of injustice.

It is difficult to forgive the worst offenders of justice let alone forgiving the friend who hurts us. It is difficult to forgive. It is difficult to be merciful - especially when people take advantage of our mercy. That’s why we want to surround ourselves with people we can trust. People who strive to have a purity of heart. But even in the church we meet those who hurt us. Every time we hear a story about disciples that condemn the suffering rather than help them, we grieve. Every time we hear a story about disciples that exclude rather than invite, it makes us grieve.

And we have enough to be sad about already, don’t we? We have lost loved ones. We have suffered because of sin. We are suffering because of illness. There seems to be no end to the tears, pain, and sorrow.

I confess that I have nothing to say. I am at a loss for words. I cannot even write a sermon to speak to the problems and sorrows of the world as we know it. But I want to lead you to another preacher. I want to begin preaching someone else’s sermon. This preacher spoke to the word as we know it – the world I just described – but he proclaimed that something was going to change. He spoke of a new order of things in which those who experienced the kind of discomfort we just spoke about will instead be happy.

I would like you to follow me over to the hillside where this preacher has just sat down and he begins to speak . . .

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

What you have just heard is the opening of a sermon from our founder, our Lord, Jesus Christ. In our difficult times, I think it is fitting that we should hear from Him. In the midst of the trials and hopes we have shared as a church family I think it is fitting that we should hear from Him.

Sure, you’ve heard this before. But you’ve probably heard these phrases broken up and scattered. Like gems that have been popped loose from their settings; they still glisten, but you don’t get the full effect. These “beatitudes” are not little nuggets of moral advice. These are not the appetizers before the main course. And Jesus isn’t using “bless” or “blessed” the way Southern culture does. It’s been said that you can say anything mean and nasty about someone in the South as long as you say “Bless their heart.” ["He just isn’t very smart, bless his heart. She looks so old – and fat, bless her heart." Get it?]

Jesus is not condescending or patronizing when he says “Blessed are the poor.” Blessed means that “God’s favor is resting on you.” So he’s saying, “God’s kingdom is breaking into this world. It’s coming to you, and today you have the favor of God.” What a way to open a sermon!

Taken together, this set of “blessings” is an official notice. A notice – like those ominous looking signs that get posted by our city councils that say – “We’re building a shopping center here. If you don’t like it, you can come tell us.” Christ is putting the world as we know it on notice. He’s saying that things are going to change. And like an official notice, some people welcome it – and some do not.

If you are poor and know that something is wrong with economies that keep people poor, then you welcome the notice because God’s favor rests on you. If you are sad or have ever known sadness, then welcome the notice, God’s favor rests on you. If you have ever felt helpless and powerless against forces too great to describe, then welcome the notice because God’s favor rests on you. If you have felt the anxiety of losing worldly security, then welcome the notice because God’s favor rests on you. If you have ever wanted justice and righteousness so bad you can taste it, then welcome the notice, God’s favor rests on you.

If you have ever forgiven others even though it cost you, then welcome the notice. If you are weary trying to help others live at peace with each other, then welcome the notice. If you have long desired to overcome sin and draw close to God, then welcome the notice because God’s favor rests on you!

These beatitudes are an extended way of saying that the kingdom of God is near. He is saying that the kingdom of God is breaking into the world and setting up shop. The world as we know it is breaking out in blessedness.

But be on notice! There are forces in this world that do not welcome the Kingdom of God. There are those who are invested in keeping the poor just as they are. There are those who are invested in activities that cause some to be sad. There are those who are invested in keeping some people powerless and insecure. There are those who are invested in unrighteous enterprises and unjust practices. There are those who cannot show mercy because they stand to lose. There are even those who are invested in war and conflict.

And it is not because they have dark sinister hearts, rather it’s because they have built their house on the foundations of the world as we know it. Christ is putting these people and powers on notice as well. He’s warning them that it is time to re-invest! And Christ is saying that if you are one of these who need to re-invest or even if you are one of these who welcome that change it won’t necessarily be easy. The forces and powers that like things as they are will insult you, lie about you or persecute you. But even if that happens, God’s favor rests on you!

Jesus, the teacher, is going to show us the path to start living in the world of God’s blessed favor even now – before it comes in all of its glory. This is a notice – an invitation for all of us. Will we invest in the world as it is? Or shall we live for the world that’s breaking in all around us? Shall we strive to be merciful, pure of heart, and make peace? Will we commit to living out the virtues of the world that is coming?

Jesus notifies us that there is going to be an outbreak of blessedness. Who dares to live out the teaching of Jesus Christ?



Questions:

What do you think it means to be blessed?

Look at each group that is mentioned (poor in spirit, those who mourn, etc.). Who do you identify with most? Is there any group of people that you would associate with any of these groups?

The kingdom of heaven is the blessing at the beginning and end of this series (v. 3 and 10). What does the coming of the kingdom of heaven mean for us?

Are the conditions described in the beatitudes (poor in spirit, etc) virtues that we should strive to develop or are they situations and circumstances in which we find ourselves?

This section is usually titled “the beatitudes.” You have the job of re-titling it with a phrase that is more common and ordinary. What will you call it?

Dara Torres is 41!

Have you heard? Dara Torres is 41-years-old! I don't believe it! She's 41 and has a kid and she's winning medals and swimming in the Olympics at the age of 41.

But she isn't supposed to do that, becuase she's like 41! That's really, really old. I'm not even that old. I'm only 40. But Dara Torres is 41. She could be the mother of all those other women she's competing against. In fact she's old enough to be the mother of say 20 of them because she is 41 and she could be having a lot of babies in that time.

But there she is swimming and winning medals at the age of 41. That's just so bizarre. She is so old. I think she's like 41. It is just so great to see an Olympian and someone so fit even at the age of 41. She is keeping up with girls half her age, which would of course be 20 years and 6 months because Dara Torres is 41. Actually, she's not only keeping up with them but she is actually beating them. Beating them wouldn't be such a big deal except for the fact that Dara Torres is 41. 41!!!! Can you believe it!?! 41! Which Dara Torres is - she is 41. She's better than ever and she is 41.

Hey, did you know that Dara Torres is 41?

Dracula by Abercrombie and Fitch

When did vampires and werewolves become sexy teenagers in love? I haven't read Stephanie Myers books. She's probably a great writer and I won't diminish her popularity, but please permit me to be clueless and just not get it.

Dracula and the Wolfman are monsters. They were the primo movie villains. Wolfman was a poor schmoe who ended up with a curse. Dracula on the other hand was King of the Vampires. He was calculating and grim. He might steal your girlfriend just because he wanted to show off - not because he was in love.

Maybe it started with Lost Boys. They were hip teen vampires. However, they didn't have the pouty lips and tired eyes of this current bunch of underwear and blue jean models. Twilight is Dracula as reimagined by Abercrombie and Fitch.

One monster is being left out of this trend. Long before these newcomers, he had pouty lips and the sunken, heavy-lidded eyes. Where's the young, sexy Frankenstein? I think this may be my opportunity. Now if I can only figure out how to write stories that teenage girls will buy -- hah, good luck!

Esmerelda (Esme) felt out of place at her new school. Making friends was not easy. Her world changed when she met Franz. He didn't say much, but she longed to hear him say, "Friend . . . good." Esme was so in love with Franz that she was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. She would not be happy until she had bolts installed in her neck and then she and Franz could live happily ever after and raise children with flat heads and thick shoes.

Sign of the Apocalypse

Fort Smith is in the news as the location of "Borat's" latest prank. We've been Punk'd. (I know, that's Ashton Kutcher, but it makes a point). If you want details, read the full report at The Smoking Gun. This has made the news worldwide.

The last time Fort Smith was in the news on this scale was two summers ago when a rainbow appeared in the sky with lightning. A different kind of rainbow and thunder was the focus of the recent prank. Attendees at a cage fight were enraged by two actors who engaged in PDHA - "public display of homosexual affection."

Here's what I find interesting about this imbroglio . . .

1. In America, Sasha Baron Cohen is known as Borat. Most Americans wouldn't recognize Cohen's real name. Congrats with that Borat.

2. Rumor has it that Sasha Baron Cohen filmed the prank eliciting the homophobic response as part of an effort to promote gay marriage. This is just a rumor, but assuming it has some element of truth, why would a parody of homosexual behavior make any sort of argument for gay marriage. Does "Borat" expect us to believe that his exaggeration is a representation of gay marriage? There are problems regardless of how one answers that question. If the goal was simply to expose redneck homophobia, how does that advance the legitimacy of homosexual marriage? This is a flawed causality.

3. Understandably, people are angry that Cohen has made them the butt of a joke. However, there's not a lot of redeemable content in an event that brags about "hot chicks, cold beer, hardcore fights." In other words, the event was deserving of contempt even before the actors stripped down to their underwear and started kissing.

Could This Be Postmodern?

The Bishop of Durham, N. T. Wright, appeared on "The Colbert Report" tonight. I am a fan of Wright and I appreciate his work. His interview with Stephen Colbert (who I remind myself is the voice of Prof. Impossible on the Venture Brothers) is on the subject of heaven and the resurrection.

Here's a popular scholar and high ranking clergyman in the Church of England chatting about the matter of extreme eschatalogical significance on a "mock" news show. And the interview came off pretty well; perhaps better than it would have on 20/20, Dateline, or some other network news magazine.

To top off the surrealism, the other guest on the show was Cookie Monster.

Iron Man and Pop Culture

The summer movies are off to a good start. I revived my work over at the Magic Lantern Show with an entry about Iron Man

Here's the link http://magiclanternshow.blogspot.com/

This summer, as a part of our VBS, Shane Hughes and I will feature a class for adults on Gospel and Culture. It is very similar to the goal of the Magic Lantern Show.

Right now we are thinking about four discussions: 1) Rap and Hip-Hop (that's Shane); 2) Country Music (I am not a fan, but this is me); 3) Lost (definitely me); 4) reality shows (Shane's turn).

I am also way behind in writing a paper for the Christian Scholar's Conference in Nashville this June. My subject will be "As Seen On TV: Developing a Christian Hermeutic for Television."

Le Car

After my senior year of high school I was ready to get my first bona fide car. I had driven a Chevy Vega that we bought from my grandparents for a dollar. I had driven my folks cars, the Buick Skylark and the Chrysler LeBaron; but now it was time for me to take the wheel of my own transport. I was going to be driving to college every day and it did not make much sense to continue to be a "renter."

My dream was to own a Jeep. In my eighteen-year-old mind that would be the perfect drive on the road and off the road. I wanted something rugged enough to handle the dirt roads on our hills but still be cool as ice when rambling up Dickson Street. The more mature adults in my world did not see my point. Everyone kept telling me, "Jeeps tip over." I think of this everytime I watch The Christmas Story in which Ralphie has his heart set on a Red Ryder BB Gun and the adults keep saying, "You'll shoot your eye out!" Ralphie got his BB Gun. I didn't get the Jeep.

If I had been able to come up with my own money to purchase a car worth anything over a dollar I could have been choosy. Not having enough money I had to depend on a complex money laundering scheme that involved a family loan, mysterious benefactors, and my uncle the bodyshop man. The car they came up with would not be my first choice. It was practical, extermely good on gas mileage, and would not tip over in a hurricane. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 1983 Renault LeCar.

I felt a swirl of disappointment. Small, economical micro cars were not cool in the mid-eighties. This was way before the current popularity of the Mini-Cooper. Volkswagon Bugs were still cool in a hippie sort of way, but even Bugs did not look like something the Weebles would drive. Then there's the fact that this was a French car. If it were wine or dessert that would have been great, but French cars don't rate high with teenagers. And then the name . . ."Le Car?" It reminded me of the pseudo-French of the the Peppy LePew cartoons wherein every object has the article "Le" attached to it: "Le Skunk, Le Cat, Le Voom Voom!" At least this particular car did not have the words "Le Car" emblazoned on the doors like some (like the one in the photo). Of course it did not help that my relatives kept joking about the name calling it a "LEE-Car" with a definite emphasis on the "LEE" pronounced with backwoods Arkansas gusto.

I held on to the Le Car for quite a few years. It started college with me and graduated college with me. It survived a direct hit from a Buick Roadmaster in Hot Springs. When the clutch went bad my father labored tirelessly to work in the compact mess of French engineering to keep the little roller skate running. Le Car got the "just married" treatment from friends before Karen and I drove off from our wedding. It was broken into by a neighbor's relative and the $10 radio was stolen. I got my radio back and built a better relationship with the neighbor. Le Car made the trip with us when we moved to Abilene. It lasted for a while and that's where it finally died.

I wheeled the little car that could into our front driveway on Judge Ely Boulevard. It sat there for a few weeks until I finally sold it to a man for $150. He was buying it for his daughter. He thought it would be a practical and economical car. I pointed out that at least it didn't have "Le Car" emblazoned on the side of it.

I cannot say that I miss Le Car. If I could have any of my old rigs back this one would not be top of my list. Nevertheless, this car was there for some of my happiest years and it was a gift from family members who made an effort to provide for me.

They Shall Take Up Serpents

A couple of friends have asked me about a statement on my Facebook profile. I had never listed my religious views until recently. I avoided stating my religious views because I find it difficult to condense my religious views into a single word or two. I could fill in the blank with "Christian." That would probably be enough, but Christian is quite a broad category and others might want to ask what particular sub-set of Christianity I adhere to. Even that is hard to answer as it all depends on which way one chooses to slice the "Christian pie."

I could have simplified things even further by stating that I am a member of the Church of Christ. Yet my heritage in the Church of Christ compels me to resist such a "denominational" identification. One of the more inspiring slogans of the Churches of Christ has been "Christians Only." In the earliest years of the Stone-Campbell movement, Rice Haggard and Barton Stone advocated that the name Christian was enough. I appreciate that sentiment.


Nevertheless, I did not want to leave the "religious views" entry on Facebook empty. So with my frustration building over my inability to define my faith and practice as a follower of Christ in a single word, I began to wonder if anyone could truly reduce their spirituality to one term. Then it struck me that the most honestly and simply labelled of any faith groups are those backwoods literalists the snake-handlers. They take the whole Bible quite literally - including Mark 16:18 which encourages the truly faithful to take up poisonous snakes without harm. No wiggle room here. This bunch truly believes that if God said it that settles it. I don't know if these churches accept the label "snake-handler" or if they find it derogatory, but somehow I don't think a person who regularly carries a live copperhead around in worship really gets offended by too much at all.


My Facebook entry is a sort of nod to the snake-handlers. I suggest that snake-handling has been overlooked for too long and more congregations should consider the practice. Forget the worship wars and the endless debates on contemporary versus traditional worship; just bring in the box of angry rattlers. I doubt that there would be too much concern about praise teams or clapping during hymns if we opened a box of cobras in the assembly. Preaching takes on new vistas when one considers snake handling. Who cares about the proper execution of homiletical moves when you are holding a cottonmouth above your head! Of course the greatest potential for snake handling is in the area of church discipline. Church members might strive to be more charitable and sober-minded when given the option of personal accountability or a dance with a diamondback rattler.

So, my sarcastic, self-imposed religious tag on my Facebook profile is simply a jab at any attempt to reduce one's Christian faith to a few words. No, I am not really snake handler. I couldn't do it. I am just not a good enough biblical literalist.

A Teachable Moment

The following article is taken from the Granbury Church of Christ website. John Knox is a good friend who survived the Doctor of Ministry program with me. His wife Jan is a gifted writer and teacher. Her article inspires us to think about the people who taught us and the people we teach.

A Teachable Moment
Jan Knox

The miles seemed to fly beneath the wheels of the small, white car as mother and son traveled down the interstate. The Lord had granted us one last opportunity for an extended time of dialogue before I was to entrust my firstborn to the care of the college officials waiting at the end of this journey. What do a middle-aged mother and her 18-year-old son talk about for two hours while confined inside a vehicle stuffed with all his earthly possessions?

To my surprise, conversation flowed easily. We started off with the typical topics of movies, games and music. Then the discussion took a nostalgic turn as we reminisced about the various places we had lived and the people we had grown to love in those places. Somehow the subject of teachers came up, and my now “adult” son proceeded to reflect aloud about three Christian ladies he considered to be the best Bible class teachers he had been privileged to learn from as a young child.

I was struck by a couple of thoughts as he shared this revelation. One was the fact that a knuckle-headed, elementary schoolboy had not only taken notice of his Bible class teachers, but even remembered specific lessons they had taught. As a teacher attempts to impart Scriptural wisdom week after week, she sometimes wonders if it is ever sinking in. This conversation renewed my faith that all of the preparation and hard work is not in vain.

Second, as I pondered these godly women who comprised my son’s “Bible Teacher Hall of Fame,” I marveled at how diverse they were. Their teaching styles were very different. One focused on telling the stories of the Bible; another emphasized memorization and the accumulation of background information and Biblical facts, while the third utilized a hands-on, experiential approach. Yet each of them, in her own unique way, had left a tremendous and lasting imprint on my child. These teachers also differed significantly in other areas, such as age and level of formal education. In spite of their divergence, however, they all had one thing in common – they loved the Bible and had a strong desire to instill that love for God’s Word in the children they taught.

As I look now toward my own future as a teacher of the Lord, I am rejuvenated and inspired to put greater thought and effort into my task. May the Lord use me as His special instrument, “…as one speaking the very words of God” (1 Peter 4:11), to make a meaningful and eternal impact for Him on the lives of those I teach.

Magic Lantern's Light 2007

I just posted a backlog of articles I wrote about some of this summer's movies.

More are on the way.

Check out the companion blog - The Magic Lantern Show.

See you at the movies.

How to Rebuke Your Neighbor

I recently purchased a Bible. I wish I had chosen one that included the Apocrypha. I would love to have it at hand for no other reason than to read the Wisdom of Ben Sirach. There is much in Ben Sirach that could help us live as noble people.

In my studies of Ephesians 5 today I was trying to unravel the meaning of the word rebuke (vss. 11-13). I am concerned that "rebuking" is too often regarded as something of a bloodsport among Christ's people. I imagine that this is due in large part to my homiletical colleagues who understand that a good "rebuking" sermon stirs up the dust and scandal. Unfortunately, there does not seem to be any salutory benefit to bludgeoning people with the error of their ways. Most of the time they tend to know how depraved and destructive their sinfulness truly is.

Besides, the Scriptures do not use the word elegchō with the same quarrelsome, cantankerous gusto that we use its common English translation "rebuke." Instead, the word has the sense of revealing, researching, and discovering the truth. Of course it is implied that this search for the truth will result in proper repentance if there is discovery of sin, but the proper rebuke begins with a desire to understand the truth rather than the arrogant position of moral superiority that pretends that the rebuker is always right and the rebuked is always wrong.

Now here's where Ben Sirach describes how it ought to be done so well. Notice how he assumes that the questioning process assumes two options: 1) I may have misunderstood or been told a lie and I need to get the story straight; or 2) the other person really has done something improper, but the goal of the dialogue is to keep them from doing it again.

I leave you with the wisdom of Ben Sirach 19:13-17 . . .

Question a friend; perhaps he did not do it;
or if he did, so that he may not do it again.
Question a neighbor; perhaps he did not say it;
or if he said it, so that he may not repeat it.
Question a friend, for often it is slander;
so do not believe everything you hear.
A person may make a slip without intending it.
Who has not sinned with his tongue?
Question your neighbor before you threaten him;
and let the law of the Most High take its course.

Gearing Up For New Studies

This Sunday is Fifth Sunday Family Night at West-Ark. I would really like to see this event become community discussion about our life together as believers. Typically, we give attention to the various needs and activities of the ministries within this church. I am all for that. I do want that to continue. Yet, I am eager to find a way to connect all of this with our faith and theology. My hope is that we will speak of what we do and what we believe as a seamless whole.

Fifth Sunday usually serves as a mile marker for me as I order my preaching and teaching schedule. On Sunday morning I will begin a series based on Ephesians 4 -6. It will continue many of the themes from the sermon that Charles Siburt preached on unity and the 1 Cor. 12 sermon I preached this Sunday.

This year I began teaching in the Sunday evening assembly. Sunday I just finished a nine-part study of the seven classical theological topics: theology, christology, pneumatology, hamartiology, soteriology, ecclesiology, and eschatology. I was amazed that the group on Sunday evening received this so well.

I was stumped about our next study, until the eschatology lesson reminded me that I have never studied Daniel in any in-depth way. I have to admit that I read the whole book straight through for the first time that I can recall. I can see why the last part of this book can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. I understand why it is a field bed for all sorts of bizarre scenarios about the end of the world. I also observe that the language of Daniel 7-12 is foundational to the Gospels and especially Jesus' identity as the Son of Man. I look forward to this discussion.

Defining Reality

Krista Tippett writes the following on the Speaking of Faith webpage . . .

As perpetually horrified as we are of terror and violence, we are riveted by them and we let them define our take on reality. The communications miracles of the 21st century make wondrous connections possible, and yet they also bring us images of horror with an immediacy and vividness that are debilitating. Violent images seem altogether more solid and substantial, more decisive and telling, somehow, than kindness, goodness, and lived peace. It is easy to bow down before these images and give in to the despair they preach.

Tomorrow we will be reminded of the Columbine shooting. The connections between Columbine and Virginia Tech will be drawn. The connections to Waco and the OKC bombing may even enter the discussion. We need to remember. We need to pray for the families and those who have been wounded in so many ways. It is altogether proper to grieve, but let's not give in to despair. The shooters and bombers may have commanded the attention of the media camera, but they do not have the power to define reality.

Green Acres

I found an intriguing blog today. It's all about a man with three kids, a red tractor, and 170 acres. There is no intense drama or gripping plot to Joel Comb's Life on a Farm, in fact it is mundane in the real sense of the word - it's earthy.

Joel sets out to tell us where our food comes from. It doesn't come from the back room of the grocery store or the magic happy place where bacon is conjured up. It comes from the earth. It is grown, herded, and harvested by the sweat of the brow - though not always our own brow anymore.

As Joel tells his everyday stories, he gets into all the familial and financial details. His kids get the flu. His tractor breaks and he needs $400 to repair it. That's earthy.

There are many days that I suffer from Green Acres Syndrome. Like Oliver Douglas, I want to escape the rat race of the city and work in the soil with my hands like the American farmer. Thanks to Joel Combs, I can appreciate what modern farming is really about but I know that the grass is not necessarily greener on a farm in Pine Knot, Kentucky.

Big

While following the various NCAA conference championships in preparation for March Madness, I noticed how many of the NCAA conferences are "big." Six conferences make this claim: the Big East, the Big West, the Big South, the Big Ten, the Big Twelve, and the Big Sky. My question is, "What really makes them so big?"

I will begin my examination with the Big Sky conference. This conference can legitimately claim the word "big," but only if they include the reference to the sky. The sky is rather big out there on the plains where these schools are located. They did not invent the name "Big Sky." They just borrowed it. They are not the only ones to use the title "Big Sky." Big Sky Airlines operates out of Montana. Big Sky Ski Resort is located in Big Sky, Montana. Then there's the 1950's Kirk Douglas movie "The Big Sky." The Big Sky Conference is not trying to tell us how large or how great they are. They are just trying to tell us from whence they come. That's fair.

However, this isn't really the case with all the conferences pointing to "big" points on the compass. Where exactly is Big West, Big East, and Big South? Do you have to find Big Magnetic North with your Big Compass and then divide the dial into Big ninety-degree angles?

What makes the Big South so big? There are a number of NCAA conferences that connect themselves with the southern United States. The SEC, the Southern, the SWAC, and even the Southland conferences all have more members than the Big South. Likewise, the Big West is not any larger than the West Coast conference and just slightly smaller, in terms of member colleges, than the Western Athletic Conference. On the other hand, the Big East is bigger than the other conferences in the east. They deserve their name. It seems natural. Imagine some guys talking about these conferences long ago before they ever had names . . .

One fellow says, "How 'bout that athletic conference out east?"

"Which one?" his friend replies, "There's five or six of 'em."

"Oh, you know," says the first guy, "That big one out east with all them schools."

"Oh yeah," says the first fellow, "How 'bout that. They sure are big."

This conversation makes sense. The name Big East sticks. But it doesn't work where the other conferences are concerned. Let's drop in again on the conversation . . .

"How 'bout that athletic conference down south?"

"Which one? There's 'bout five or six of them."

"Oh, you know, the big one."

"You mean, one of the three big enough to have a north and south division?"

"No, not those! The other one. The big one - in the south."

"You mean one of them with schools in Texas? Texas is a big state in the south."

"No, no! Not those! This one don't have no schools in Texas. I mean the big one! The one that has that school Jerry Falwell runs. They got a champion Quiz Bowl team."

"What are you talking about? That conference ain't big at all."

Now when it comes to the Big Ten and Big Twelve, my literal-brained fussiness says that Twelve is bigger than Ten. But I could see where a Ten could be big as far as Ten's go. So perhaps they should change their name to the Relatively Big Ten Conference. Or if they insist on sticking with Big Ten, then I would think that the Big Twelve would need to change their name to the Bigger Twelve Conference.

But what makes the Big Twelve so big? There are plenty of conferences with twelve schools. Likewise with ten-school conferences. If the Big Twelve is big then are we to assume that the Conference USA could be the Little Twelve or the Medium-Sized Twelve? Should we rename the Missouri Valley as the Average-Sized Ten or the Petite Ten?

I hope you see the problem. Some have thrown the adjective "big" around too freely. But what's stopping anyone? If your conference has ten or twelve schools then you've missed out. You weren't the first to claim "bigness." But if your conference calculates a different member total then get with it! The Sun Belt and Horizon Conferences should pay attention here and rename themselves the Big Thirteen and the Big Nine. No one but me is counting, so you can be as big as you like.

Groucho or Spambot?

Now it's time to play the game sensation that's sweeping the nation! Read the name and ask . . .

Is it a Groucho Marx movie role or a bogus Spambot E-mail name?

1. Tibias Q. Gently
2. Emile J. Keck
3. Rufus T. Firefly
4. Figueroa O. Emery
5. Kriebel H. Stetson
6. S. Quentin Quale
7. Capt. Zongo Savimbi
8. Gentry Q. Seascapes
9. Hugo Z. Hackenbush
10. Auditor U. Crockpot
11. Otis B. Driftwood
12. Lionel Q. Deveraux
13. Hastings L. Roominess
14. Mahle D. Crunk
15. Wolf J. Flywheel
16. J. Cheever Loophole

Answers:
Bogus Spambot Email Names: 1, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 13, 14
Groucho Marx Movie Roles: 2, 3, 6, 9, 11, 12, 15, 16

Roll Tide!

Let's stick with our sports theme . . .

Reasons Nick Saban left the Miami Dolphins to coach Alabama’s Crimson Tide:

1. He prefers college coaching to pro coaching.

2. Thirty-two million dollars.

3. The chance to affect young people’s lives.

4. Thirty-two million dollars.

5. His heart wasn’t in coaching the Dolphins.

6. Thirty-two million dollars.

7. He and his family really like Alabama.

8. Thirty-two million dollars.

Basketball Jones

I just caught the end of the OU vs. Texas basketball game on ESPN U. That was a spirited game. I admit I was pulling for OU since I now live on the Oklahoma border and also because the Arkansas-Texas rivalry is ingrained in my Southwest Conference Athletic DNA. Texas earned their win however and I salute them. It was a good game; and now I am watching the final seconds of LSU vs. Florida. I cannot believe that LSU is going to win this one - they don't even have "Big Baby" on the floor!

This weekend and next weekend hold out the promise of excellent college basketball. All of this is a prelude to March Madness. I am not a sports fanatic, but I love the end of the basketball season for two reasons: nostalgia and hope.

Of all the sports I am most nostalgic about basketball. I remember watching the Razorbacks on TV with my family as a child. We anticipated the nights and weekends when the Hogs would be on TV. It was always one of our major family events. As a teen, I can recall going to Barnhill Arena with my father, grandfather, and friends and getting caught up in the enthusiasm of those days. I don't think they've been able to reproduce the excitement of those days in the new arena - not even during the winning season of 1994.

I am somewhat maddened that Razorback athletics have been mired in rumor and shame over the last few years. Ever since the controversy between Nolan Richardson and Frank Broyles there has been a certain taint to what ought to be good honest diversion. The "Nutt-Malzahn-Mustain" triangle has further tainted what should be a positive turn in UA athletics. Such is the problem with nostalgia, it is too often vulnerable to controversy and scandal. I understand that people have grievances, but it is a shame when the scandal overshadows the sport.

I also love the March Madness season because of hope. Unlike the disappointing and confusing Bowl System in football, the NCAA tourney creates an opportunity for real competition and stunning upsets. It is always possible for #65 in the standings, the ultimate underdog, to come in and win the entire tournament. Someone will say, "Oh, that'll never happen." Please don't make me delineate the difference between possible and probable. Is it probable that any 16th seed will win the whole series? No, but it is always a possibility no matter how slim a chance they have. This tournament is so potentially thrilling because it creates that sort of hope. It is the athletic equivalent of the Year of Jubilee when slaves were set free and debts were cancelled. Jubilee created the possibility of reversal which gave even the humblest of the humble a taste of triumph. Now, if Arkansas can get just a 16th seed and beat the odds my madness will become gladness.

Italian Bicycle Companies or Chico Marx Movie Roles?

See if you can guess which of these are Italian bicycle companies and which are Chico Marx movie roles?

1. Corbaccio
2. Ravelli
3. Bianchi
4. Panello
5. Colnago
6. Pirelli
7. Cinelli
8. Binelli
9. Fiorello
10. Bellesi
11. Baravelli
12. Pinarello

Answers:
Itallian Bicycle Companies: 3, 5, 7, 10, 12
Chico Marx Movie Roles: 1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 9, 11

Breaking Up With Pluto

In honor of the dark side of Valentine's Day, that is break-ups, I submit the following take on the most cosmic break-up of the previous year.

Ways that the International Astronomical Union might have broken the news to Pluto that it was no longer a planet.

1. It’s not you, you’re a fine planet and we are sure you’ll meet another lucky Union someday.

2. Let’s be honest, you are not the planet we met all those years ago. Maybe we’re a bit shallow but we just love a nice hydrostatically balanced figure in a planet.

3. We’ve given you adequate time and opportunity to improve your elliptical orbit and you just don’t seem to be making any progress.

4. Well, it came down to you and Xena and we just felt that Xena was more of what today’s kids are looking for in a planet.

5. We’re sorry but we just do not understand this whole trans-Neptunian thing you are into.

6. We think you are a negative influence on Charon, Nix, and Hydra. They shouldn’t have to think that everything revolves around Pluto. [Hint: Charon, Nix, and Hydra are Pluto's moons. Get it?]

7. You have a great future ahead of you, but with the economy the way it is we just simply cannot afford a ninth planet.

8. We've heard rumors about you and Venus and the Union has strict guidelines about interplanetary fraternization.

9. You seem to be more frigid lately.