Saturday, August 27, 2005

E-Salesman With A Foot in My Door

So, I log in to see who left a comment to my last post "St. Elvis." What a surprise! It is my old friend lewissmith6536. Ah the great time I had with old lewissmith6536. (I call him 6536 for short.)

I remember the time that 6536 and I would call up the local store to ask them if they had Prince Albert in a can. 6536 could barely get through the punchline - "You had better let him out before he suffocates!" - without snickering.

Having lunch with 6536 was always a blast. I always knew how to time my jokes just right so that he would laugh while he was drinking his milk. . .

"Hey 65, why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"

He glances my way as he is drinking his milk. Wait for it! Now just as the milk is past the uvula and just in front of the epiglottis . . . .

"Because it was dead!" Oh, the wonderful Vitamin D-enriched blast of milkiness! And out the nose - how it burns!

Yes, we always thought 6536 would go far. The 6536 name was well respected in our community. His father owned the local auto dealership. He would have this huge sale once a year and mark all cars down to $6,536.00 for one weekend. He was well-known for his cheesy antics on those dreadful commercials. Mr. 6536 would be riding a bull or a camel or some other bizarre animal. Beside him was a blonde sweetheart holding a placard with "6536" on it. (It was rumored that she and Mr. 6536 were having an affair, but it was never proven.) At the end of the commercial, Mr. 6536 would shout out, "Come on down to 6536 Auto Sales. And tell them Bob 6536 sent you! That's a name you can take to the bank - or take out of it!"

I really think that my old chum 6536 felt a bit intimidated by his father's local celebrity and salesmanship. He tried his hand at car sales but failed miserably. I heard that he and his father had a sort of falling out. (Some say it was because 6536 and the blonde sweetheart started going out. But that's never been proven.)

I had not heard from lewissmith6536 in years and now along comes his heart-warming comment to my St. Elvis post. I see that he is back in sales. Sadly, I see he hasn't learned anything either. He is reduced to posting unreasonably long ads on my humble little blog.

What are you thinking 65? Do you think any of my readers are really interested in fifteen cent stocks or the future of biometric identity chips. Zzzzzzzzzz! Sorry old friend, that is the sound of all of us falling asleep to your miserable diatribe. And did you really think any of us are interested in that Section 17(b) nonsense? No, don't tell me that you are required to put that mumbo-jumbo in the post because of the STC. You were always a geek for such rules. Did you ever wonder why you could not sell cars like your father? Here is the painful truth old pal: he understood that the public was more interested in corny tag lines, camels, and blonde beauties. Customers were always looking for the door when you started waxing eloquent about the compression ratios and foot-pounds of torque of each model. Do you see why you were the one we dared to eat crayons in third grade?

Thank you lewissmith6536 for what is a rather bittersweet comment. On the one hand it is so good to hear from you and recall the old days; but on the other hand I am sorrowful that you have been reduced to a lonely e-salesman desperate enough to stick your foot in the door.

4 comments:

Jeff Christian said...

Chris,

I know that you and 6536 always got along in our days together, but I have to confess that I never liked the guy.

c said...

You think you and 6536 were tight. Well think again. Mr. veqz1ldwo93iidd or "broker" as i call him, officated my wedding. We met during a pick-up b-ball game in the park and after i threw him an oop, we were the best of friends. he is quite the handy man as well as being a great invester. the only beef i had with him was wearing jorts (jean shorts) too much. Best Friends 4-Life.

thanks chris, this was hilarious.

Deana Nall said...

I think I dated that guy...

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