Monday, June 06, 2011

A Letter to Facebook

Dear Facebook:

What happened to the crazy website who went to college and got everyone net-worked-up?  You were so rowdy and carefree in those early days.  Everyone was able to customize their profile.  You didn't take your forms and files so seriously.  If I wanted to tell the world that I was a snake-handler who studied glass-blowing at Cambridge University you went along with me.  You chuckled a bit but didn't care.  If I was in the mood to tell everyone who had "friended" me that I could speak English, Pig Latin, and three Fremen dialects you didn't bat an eye.  You were cool with all that.

Oh, and remember the fun we used to have playing "Chris is . . .?"  You always had that dumb little status bar that started out with that phrase.  Sure it was annoying and hardly applied to anything that I wanted to write in the blank, but it made me more creative and it was entertaining to find ways to work it into my status sentences.

But now you limit me to 420 characters.  Now I have to write notes when I want to go on a diatribe like this.  You probably won't even put it on my wall.  Nobody reads Notes, FB!  You just don't listen anymore!  When did that happen?  Why did that happen?

Maybe it was when you started experimenting with those wretched "Vampire vs. Werewolf" games and such.  Oh, I knew that was a bad sign.  I did not have a good feeling about that.  And you got some of my friends hooked on it.  Instead of checking in to see what "My Friend is" doing, I learn that they have become a Level 5 vampire or they've joined the mafia. 

You even tried to get me hooked on that garbage.  Remember your Farm Town phase, FB?  You were so shameless then.  Why?  Well for starters you packaged it like it was for kids but it was more addictive than cocaine.  You knew that everyone wanted a dog and barn and wouldn't care how many pumpkins they had to sell to get one!  And then you wouldn't even own up to it.  You blamed it on some third-party.  Oh, FB I thought you had more self-respect than that.

Now look at you.  You are all dressed up in your suit and tie and speak so many different language.  You talk about safety and privacy.  Privacy?  If I wanted true privacy I wouldn't be social networking, you stooge!

I'm sorry FB.  Just got a little emotional.  I was just thinking about the way I keep trying to fill in the blank for "Hometown" with something silly like "Metropolis" or "Frostbite Falls" and you won't let me because it doesn't conform to your database.  It's like you really need to know exactly where I live.  It's like you need to record all my data in your giant humorless corporate brain,  but you don't really care about me.  Just one more time it would be nice to hear you ask "Chris is . . .?"

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