Zombie Apocalypse

My 15-year-old son has a plan for the coming Zombie Apocalypse. I asked him why everyone is discussing Zombies so much. He named it: "People are bored." Well said. Still, here's my contribution to the problem that could be potentially be more important than swine flu . . .

1. Name one FICTIONAL character you'd most like to be with when zombies attack.

Popeye. I'd have to try to beat up as many of them as possible without spinach at first. They would would gang up on me and beat me until I had a black eye and birdies flying around my head. However, right when they start to eat me brains, I would eats me spinach -- the theme music would play and my fists would turn into piledrivers and spurred on by John Phillip Sousa's "Star and Stripes Forever" I would smack the zombie hordes and with each punch I would turn them into gravestones and little mounds of fresh dirt with lillies on them. All the zombies would be destroyed and I would blow "toot-toot" on the pipe - circle out.

2. Name one FICTIONAL character you would not want to be with when zombies attack.

The girl from the Twilight series. She would fall in love with a zombie and beg to become one of them.

3. Name one REAL person you'd most like to be with when zombies attack.

Keith Richards. The zombies would be confused by Keith Richards. They would think he's one of them and he's probably immune to them. He could walk among them and totally destroy them.

4. Name one REAL person you would not want to be with when zombies attack.

A Jainist. It could be confusing. I would naturally want to have compassion for the zombies and respect them as living creatures - but then zombies aren't alive, are they?


5. Name one FICTIONAL place you'd most like to be holed up in when zombies attack, why?

Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. 1) The Oompa Loompa's could take the zombies easily. 2) The Wonka-vator could outmanouver a entire zombie army. 3) Even zombies would be freaked out by the boat ride.

6. Name one FICTIONAL place you would not want to be holed up in when zombies attack, why?

Sherwood Forest. Zombies seem to do well in the woods and especially at night. Even Robin Hood would have a tough time with them.


7. Name one REAL place you'd most like to be holed up in when zombies attack, why?

Congress. Zombies want to eat brains. They will avoid the Capitol.

8. Name one REAL place you would not want to be holed up in when zombies attack, why?

Haiti. Zombies would have home court advantage.

9. Name one FICTIONAL weapon you'd like to have to use against zombies, why?

The EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle from Stripes (1981). Destructive power and comfort combined. Maybe the seats are covered in rich Corinthian leather.

10. Name one FICTIONAL weapon you'd like to NOT have to use against zombies, why?

The Heart Ring used by the littlest Planeteer on Captain Planet. Zombies have no heart.

11. Name one REAL weapon you'd like to have to use against zombies, why?

A can of Gumout Carb + Choke Cleaner and a Zippo lighter.

12. Name one REAL weapon you'd like to NOT have to use against zombies, why?

Saddam Hussein's WMD's. You can't find them when you need them.

13. What's your favorite zombie movie?

Gone With the Wind (1939). I love it when the zombies burn Atlanta.

14. Do you ever want to be an extra in a zombie movie?

How do you know I haven't been?

15. Do zombies scare you?

No, I just find it irritating when they keep clicking their ballpoint pins at meetings.

16. Could we control zombies?

Public schools have been working on this for the last 20 years.

17. How would zombies take over the world?

They don't want to take over the world, they just want equal rights for the living dead.